Sunday, February 13, 2005

Pete Nanos limerick competition

From Anonymous:

Over beer this weekend, my friends and I decided that
the tale of Pete Nanos and his war on the laboratory
deserved a poetic treatment. Given the obscenely
ludicrous nature of the situation, the limerick seems
the most appropriate form for this. So we came up
with the idea of a Pete Nanos limerick competition.

After a few false starts (hmmm, what rhymes with
CREM?), we came up with a few to get the ball rolling:

Director Pete Nanos has said,
if you do science you are a butt-head.
So he stopped all work,
that moronic jerk!
Now science at LANL is dead.

Under LANL's new management plan,
if you try to do science you're canned.
Shall we instill a revolt?
Or just give up and bolt?
Either way, it's "game over," man.

Quoth Nanos, "Disks are missing, oh dear!"
"They're neither here, nor here, nor here!"
"You're all cowboys, I say."
"Now we'll do it MY way!"
Make way for intimidation and fear.

These cowboys have met their match!
Just watch, the bad actors I'll catch!
Guilty or not, I'll fire the lot!
With ten men, I'll start over from scratch.

Security lapses must stop!
So Nanos decides to play cop.
After half a year,
the verdict is clear:
Barcodes: a billion a pop.

Oh Nanos, why don't you just leave us?
Your actions really do grieve us.
Those missing disks?
Just labels amiss!
If we're butt-heads, then you must be Beavis!

The next challenge is to write a Pete Nanos haiku.


Navy admiral -
Peter Principle applies:
in over his head
The Ballad of Los Alamos

At Los Alamos they used to play,
pondering big science problems all day.
But it's not just a cult:
Bombs result.
They serve America's security that way.

Then word came down from the top:
All work at LANL must stop.
Disks are missing!
and lasers are hissing!
The scientific ball did drop.

The Director, he made no excuse.
Just vindictive and ranting abuse.
"Give me ten men, and I'll build it again!
But these coyboys must slip on the noose!"

So after all this shouting,
and a billion bucks and counting,
Cheney did say, "Let's give it away!
'cause the retirement fund is mounting!"

"Our friends at Halliburton
we know are really hurtin'.
Now a billion bucks
for two barcodes sucks,
But a profit for them will be certain!"

So Abraham saw the need
(or perhaps it was just greed)
for an RFP
to screw UC.
In vain to keep UC we did plead.

And at the end of the day
It's the taxpayers who must pay.
For missing disks? No, for labels amiss!
And billions just wasted away.

Then Bin Laden observed with glee,
"Those infidel scientists aren't free
to do their work.
Ah! Nanos, you jerk!
You gave the advantage to me!"

And Allah Bin Laden did praise
"LANL morale they'll never raise!
Nanos the fob is on the job!
And UC-bashing a Congressional craze!"

More terrorists stepped into the fray.
"No new Yankee gizmos today!
So with aplomb,
We'll build an A-bomb,
And wreak havoc in every way!"

So this is the LANL lament:
Don't put our feet in cement!
Though LANL bashin'
is a Congressional passion,
it's the terrorists that we must dent!

There was a director named Peter
Who wanted all welds to be neater.
"If you're lased in the eye,
kiss the whole lab goodbye!"
Thanks to him, near disaster we teeter!
We once worked our hands to the bone
But there now is a negative tone.
In a petulant fit
Pete said we can't do stuff.
Now we strive for a Nanos-free zone.
There once was an Admiral named Nanus
Whose unscrupulous deeds were too heinous
All his A Ds kissed ass
To help give him a pass
For the lies that he told just to frame us.
There once was a Captain named Pete
Who decided to turn up the heat
'Cause we lost a few crem
They were coming after him
He'd be unable to sit on his seat

Now it turns out that all of that stuff
Was mostly a big bunch of fluff
It was just a few codes
A decision that bodes
Well for more of the same kind of fluff

And there was one other little bit
Which caused him to have a big fit
She burned up her eye
Or was that too a lie?
Oh, I really don't give a ****
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